What can one say about Matze Döpfner’s bizarre fuss that hasn’t already been said? Our columnist pondered and pondered before coming up with a bizarre answer that reads: Fuck the intolerant Christians and all that other sex!
He is back again! Yes, here I am again, the disgusting Ostzonale with a penchant for verbal excess is back. I used a personal four-week break from the Schmoll corner for an inner contemplation, and then shortly after Easter rose again powerfully like Jesus did from the grave, but without holes in the palms of my hands. Fortunately, crucifying is traditionally forbidden. Nailed to the cross is only verbally. God forbid. That’s why I call out to the nation. Feel free! Feel with Jesus! Free east! Fuck the intolerant Christians and all that other sex! cynicism about everything. Italy is my country.
For four weeks I thought about what I can do to make you happy in these unfortunate times, I pondered and pondered – and then came Matze Döpfner, the Springer boss. You know, like him, I’m not afraid to write freely from the alcohol-laden liver of too much wine. I let my thoughts run free, but I don’t need the “time” for my nasty views of the eastern zone and the rest of the west to see the light of day, as long as we still have electricity, to bring a little light into the darkness of our epoch .
For a fee, I publish everything completely voluntarily and invite you to (continue to) participate in my crude trains of thought. I occasionally garnish the linguistic garlands with misspellings (sic!) and with a few English words (see above) to present myself as a smart, concerned and worldly citizen who is nonchalant, doesn’t take life too seriously, but everything under control and unfortunately doesn’t have enough time to check grammar and orthography. So here, frankly, what I’ve always wanted to say: The Ostzonalen are either communists or fascists. Or something completely different. In any case, bad people with whom you never know where you stand. They voted for you yesterday and others today, as if they were democrats. That’s disgusting. Or disgusting, so disgusting with ck.
As a native of Leipzig, I too belong to the “ugly” east zone. One of my regular readers, whose heart I haven’t been able to win for years, keeps texting me that I’m a “nasty guy” or a “nasty liar”. Maybe disgusting is written with ck in the BRD GmbH. I don’t know because I’ve never been over there. He let me know two years ago: “Anyone as ugly as you can only lie like Schnitzler or Göbbels!!” (Several of my readers write Goebbels with an ö.) Schnitzler or Goebbels. So communist or Nazi. One was born in western Berlin, the other in North Rhine-Westphalia. West German extremists. What do we do now? Hit the east zonals. Disgusting people. disgusting If not gross.
So that you don’t get the wrong idea or even think that I’m trying to suggest that the anonymous author of the emails is Matze Döpfner. For God’s sake. The messages of the unknown always come without English vocabulary. And I doubt whether Matze Döpfner has time to write mean emails to me while he runs a company, bickers with Julian Reichelt and worships the FDP in front of the Christian Linder altar at home. By the way: all irony. Very important to emphasize here. Not that there are any misunderstandings here. That’s what I always say when I send a message to friends with the message: I’m fine.
Further on in the text: Queers, homosexuals, East Zones and East Frisians are very often portrayed as stereotyped, one can very well speak of a copy of reality, deliberately exaggerated, as if the Italians only ate noodles and the French only ate baguettes, if they weren’t eating rice in China stuff themselves and think about how they can annoy the Americans so that they will let us down militarily when Donald Trump is back, America is made greater than ever and the Russians are at the Brandenburg Gate.
We know: There is a thick core of truth in clichés. But who cares about the truth these days, narratives are enough to use a buzzword here. So: The eastern zonals will never become democrats, at least not all of them. Perhaps the east should be turned into an agricultural and production zone with a standard wage, a kind of reservation for fascists and communists and their offspring on the way to brown or red. That would be something, especially since the minimum wage is to be raised to 100 euros per minute so that the whining finally comes to an end. Then Helmut Kohl’s dream of blooming landscapes would come true after all.
Hope for the FDP?
So, please, strengthen the good parties, even if they make mistakes. The main thing is that someone rules and enacts bans. In times of crisis, this has always been a means of making the world a better place. Wilhelm Cuno, one of the Reich Chancellors of the Weimar Republic, who oscillated between conservative and economically liberal, had “dance merrymaking” banned in 1923 because “gluttony, hedonism and alcohol abuse” were simply too much of a bad thing in times of inflation. Now the FDP and its cronies are banning gas and oil heating. Also ok.
“Our last hope is the FDP. Only if it becomes very strong – and that can be – will the green-red disaster be avoided,” Matze Döpfner is said to have written, PRIVAT of course. Holy shit, the man lay next to it. Let’s hope that he is better with forecasts for the strategic direction of his group. His judgment doesn’t convince me anyway. He was also wrong when he judged Julian Reichelt to be “the last and only journalist in Germany who is still bravely rebelling against the new GDR authoritarian state.” He should see what is written in the “world”. Every third day someone shows it to the GDR authoritarian state, warns that the basic freedoms must not be (longer) curtailed, because otherwise democracy will come to an end and Matze Döpfner will no longer be able to register or attend a demonstration every month as before.
You could also formulate it less clearly in an email or a chat, but more enigmatically, preferably with slanted spelling so that the irony is recognizable: “The whole thing is so surreal. Collective loss of mind. The coup of sensitivity. The absolute failure of the elite . It’s an end point. That’s the end of the market economy. And the beginning of 33.” Aren’t you elite as a billionaire? What does the 33 mean? Double 33 is 66, the age at which life only begins, as we learned from Udo Jürgens. Even 1933, the year Hitler seized power? Truly a riddle that only “time” can decipher. Sequel follows. Matze-Döpfner-Bashing is a popular read.
Last but not least, I confess to writing for the “world” from time to time. Contrary to all clichés, the colleagues in the editorial department – even the nasty ones from the eastern zone – are friendly and decent when dealing with freelancers. They know that in the end there are only two things that remain anyway: ART and LOVE (sometimes including BIRDS, SUPPORT, FIRE). Well, money too. But that’s what you have as a billionaire and you can inherit it. Other than the love for the FDP and for grotesque nonsense, which was not meant as it stands there out of context and makes you look stupid.