From the pouty corner: Better a sleeper than a member of the world government

Our columnist got an offer to join the “grand Illuminati brotherhood”. He refused. The admission fee was too high. And he doesn’t have the time to think up funny things so that demonstrations have to take place in Germany for a few months under certain conditions.

It’s been a while since I got the offer to beam myself to where I’ve been thinking for years, although I’ve never been invited to “Republica”. I was offered an email to join the elite of mankind, to rule them, become “rich, famous and powerful” in the process, and be “protected” for the rest of my life. I would only need to join the “Great Illuminati Brotherhood” for all my “dreams and heart’s desires to be fully fulfilled”. Full! And not just half. That sounds wonderful.

I was promised 5,000,000 US dollars, which I initially liked, but was soon put into perspective because, in order to be accepted, I had to pay 100,000 British pounds first, which in the end was only around 4.87 million US dollars -dollar plus in the account – not enough to win someone like me for world domination. It should also be mentioned here that I didn’t want to first get Illuminati oil, mustard seeds and a lamb and then get into trouble with my landlord and neighbors on top of that. I should have found out where I could buy a lamb in Berlin first – as far as I know my supermarket doesn’t have one. I’m also miserable at slaughter, as I have a tender soul.

And anyway: What am I supposed to do with the Illuminati? I’m already famous and powerful, I’m sure I’ll be rich soon and maybe one or the other dream or heart’s desire will come true, for example that I’ll end this column quickly because I’m having a busy day again. Another reason not to join the world government is that I simply don’t have the time to think up funny things so that demonstrations in Germany have to take place for a few months under certain conditions.

Off to Bavaria

Although that would be the chance to meet some illustrious Illuminati. Who belongs to the secret world government? Claudia Pechstein? Does she speak in uniform? Does your employer know that? Where is the deep state located? Really deep or just a little deep? In a hole in Saxony that was created by an opencast lignite mine? I don’t have any concrete information, but if in Germany, then I’d guess Bavaria. The country is suspect. Bayern always win the football championship and want to get democracy back – a sign, a sign, that’s all I’m saying.

Seriously: The Order of the Illuminati was founded in the 18th century in Ingolstadt, the city where Audi builds cars and has its “employees” modified so that little girls learn that they too can become car builders as soon as they grow up , unless artificial intelligence takes over, which is why gendering would have been for nothing. The world is mean.

Incidentally, I’m going to Bavaria soon in my A3 because Julia absolutely had to move there and isn’t celebrating her milestone birthday in Berlin. I’ll ask her if she’s ever seen someone who looks like a globalist or world ruler or both and if the person seemed like I could get along with them. Depending on the answer, I may reconsider, although of course there is a risk that the entry fee will increase to more than £100,000 by then.

And who thinks of the cows?

Even if you shouldn’t always just look at the money, especially not at what you don’t have – as of today: I want to save the world, but not rule it, and I’d rather stay a happy sleeper enjoying the summer. I don’t even want to know everything about the depths of human souls, what I learn every day from the news is enough for me, how brutal, presumptuous and stupid homo sapiens can be. Being a sleep sheep is an advantage. I didn’t even know that there was a “Rammstein perfume” with the name “Kokain”, which says it all. He learned from a report that Rossmann – a sign, a sign! – removed “cocaine” from the range. So I was never tempted to buy the perfume of a band whose singer doesn’t just sing.

In any case, it’s better to be a sleeping sheep than a cow in Ireland that’s about to have it all to save the world. Ireland is considering killing around 200,000 cattle for the good of humanity by 2025. Excitement! Alarm! That doesn’t exist, now even cows shouldn’t be slaughtered for steaks and sausages and animal feed, but so that they no longer fart. 200,000 of more than seven million cattle – with just five million Irish. If that isn’t a sign of the eco-dictatorship and the downfall of the West. Excitement! Alarm!

In Germany there were around eleven million cattle last year – with 83 million inhabitants, including 4.3 million dairy cows. “We have already reduced our stock by 600,000 animals – partly for climate reasons – and are now at 3.7 million,” said the Federal Association of German Dairy Farmers. Nobody was interested. Me neither. I’m a sleep sheep after all. And I don’t want to know everything.